Anxiety is your ego fucking things up.

You know... It's really hard to live in the moment.

We are haunted by our past experiences, we are haunted by all the endless possibilities of the future — both the terrifying and the good. We end up becoming giant balls of human flesh and anxiety, unable to enjoy living what we are currently living. Unable to see beyond the heartbreaks of our present. 

See why this is confusing? 

Last year I had a very special asshole person tell me that I was unable to enjoy the good (great!) things I had going in my life because I let myself be consumed by all the stress I had at work. And this changed my life. It wasn't exactly a 180, but it was close to that... 

I don't know if you've ever had an experience like this in your life, but basically: I am was in love with this guy. He is was a dream come true in my life. I've had a crush on him from the very first moment I laid my eyes on him. He lived rent free on my mind and heart for a couple of years before we crossed paths again. Eventually, we got together and began to live our (or mine) dream come true. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but it was our perfectly imperfect little relationship. He'd sweep me off my feet with his intense stare, his essence, his everything. And I was unable to live what I really wanted to live: our relationship. 

Ever since we got to the talking stage, I remember saying to my friends — being all insecure and shit — "This is too good to be true, I can't be too invested in him because it's just a matter of time before this all goes away." Well. Joke was on me, because I lived my own self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I got to be so caught up on my own mind, my own fears, my own insecurities, that I didn't give myself room to become my true self in that relationship. I am now aware that I was a shadow of myself. Or rather, a small ball of being instead of my own big, bright, and bubbly self. I lived in a constant fear of hurting him, of making him so frightened of whatever I was thinking of feeling that I dimmed myself. While allowing my insecurities, my fragilities, my ego to speak for myself. And that's why "work" became such a big elephant in our own room.

If you'd ask me back then, I had no idea how clueless I was about my own perception of life. But the truth is: I allowed myself to live both in the past and in the future, ignoring that I had to live in the present. 

Now I know how important this is... Because now I don't have him by my side. I long for him every day. But I cannot turn back time, and go back to when we were together. Trust me, I've tried everything I could. (I drew the line on black magick, voodoo, witchcraft, and those shady doctrines! I''m a being of light, as I told you before.) And, as the smart person that I am, what did I do? I kept those words close to my heart and made a promise to my own self that I'd do my best to live in the moment. Enjoy every single little drop of rain on my face, every little ray of sunshine, every laughter, every butterfly on my stomach, every second that was worth living and keep tem real close to my heart.

I may not have him by my side anymore, but I'll always have him in my heart... See how sadistic this is?